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1)You can GET chocolate.
2)"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3)Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4)You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5)You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6)You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7)If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8)Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9)The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10)You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11)You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12)You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13)With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14)Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15)You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16)Good chocolate is easy to find.
17)You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18)You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19)When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20)With chocolate size doesn't matter.

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Murphy's Laws

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Murphy's Law of Copiers: The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.

The Murphy Philosophy: Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws: Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

Acton's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Ade's Law: Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.

Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are.

Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well being.

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1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16.Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17.It is always the wrong time of month.

18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22.The younger the better.

23.The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

26.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

27.There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

28.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

29.Love is a hole in the heart.

30.If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

31.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

32.Do it only with the best.

33.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

34.One good turn gets most of the blankets.

35.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

36.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

37.It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

38.Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

39.Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

40.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

41.Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

42.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

43.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

44.It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

45.Never say no.

46.A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

47.Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

48.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

49.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

50.A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

51.Love comes in spurts.

52.The world does not revolve on an axis.

53.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

54.Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

55.Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

56.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

57.Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

58.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

59."This won't hurt, I promise."

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Murphy's Laws of Love

1.All the good ones are taken.
2.If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
3.The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4.Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5.The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
6.Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7.The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
8.Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9.Nice guys(girls) finish last.
10.If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11.Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

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Murphy's Laws of Technology

1.You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2.Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3.Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4.Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5.If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
6.The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7.The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8.An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
9.Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
10.All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11.Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
12.Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13.All's well that ends.
14.A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15.The first myth of management is that it exists.
16.A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17.New systems generate new problems.
18.To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19.We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20.Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
23.Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
24.Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
25.The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
26.To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
27.After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
28.Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
29.A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
30.If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
31.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
32.Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
33.Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
34.If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
35.The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
36.In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
37.Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
38.All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
39.The only perfect science is hind-sight.
40.Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
41.If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
42.If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
43.When all else fails, read the instructions.
44.If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
45.Everything that goes up must come down.
46.Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
47.Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
48.Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
49.The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

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Typical questions asked by an American wanting to know more about the Indian culture....

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

Q. You're from India, aren't you? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation? [note: This one we were actually asked in August '93 by a real estate agent when house-hunting in Boston.]
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started elephant-pooling with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....

Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.

Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English. A variation to the above is a compliment --- "You speak very good English." Response: Thanks. So do you.

Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is a lot of hard work.

Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.

Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.

Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.

Q. How do you celebrate Thanksgiving day in India?
A. By roasting an American....

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Q: A sardarji going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SARDARJI THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the sardarji doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the sardarji stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why do sardarjis work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What did the sardarji do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: He turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How do you confuse a sardarji?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do you keep a sardarji in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you keep a sardarji busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why can't sardarjis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: How did the sardarji try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: because below 18 was not allowed !!!

Q: What's the difference between a sardarji and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why do men like sardarji jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: What does a sardarji say when you ask him if his blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a sardarji a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you call 10 sardarjis standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call a sardarji in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a sardarji with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a sardarji in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you see when you look into a sardarji's eyes?
A: The back of his head.

Q: Why are sardarjis hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a sardarji in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Whats the difference between a sardarji and a Supermarket Trolley ?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: A sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A sardarji parade.

Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A sardarji BELEIVED IN SMOKING.
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done."

sardarji #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
sardarji #2: "No, who wrote it?"

What about the sardarji wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.

A Sardarji: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
Sardarji: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

Did you hear about the sardarji that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ?
It finally dawned on him.

A sardarji was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "Oh Well!" and turned around and drove back home.

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Banta singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta singh. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

Santa singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall.It read "Padne wala gadha" (One who reads it is an ass).Santa singh thought for an hour, erased and wrote back,"Likhene waala gadha" (One who wrote it is an ass).

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other. Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal? Banta singh : Yes, I have Santa singh : Well, my father dug it. Banta singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea? Santa singh : Yes, I have. Banta singh : Well, my father killed it.

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Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

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Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code.
One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie, "Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter." Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter." Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
Katie tears off to her father and says, " Daddy, daddy, mommy says you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a bit of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type that letter today." Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today."
"Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand."

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. And we're both going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"

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A couple of drinkin' buddies, airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at San Francisco International; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz." So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"What??"
"Did you FART yet??"
"No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday I came three times."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oi watched her packing her bag and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

A Clinton aide walks into the Oval Office and says to Clinton, "Sir, >what are we going to do about the abortion bill?"
Clinton replies, "Just pay it!"

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos and then the White House couple went on their way. As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner."
She smirked and replied, "No! If I had stayed with him, HE would be the President of the United States TODAY!"

When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again:
"Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a Black man from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at college!" The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and whispers, "Bubba, is that you?"

What do you call a bunch of white guys chasing a black guy?
The PGA Tour.

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A New York taxi driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. What happened?" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband. "Oh, that's terrible." says the wife. "I know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...."

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now." "Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already!"

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A BIG Black man walk into a Bar in Paris and says, "I'm big, I'm Black, and I fuck White women." Everybody in the bar gets up and runs the hell out - scared shitless. The Black man then goes to England and walks into a pub and says, "I'm big, I'm Black, and I fuck White women." Everybody in the Pub gets up and runs the hell out - scared shitless. The man than goes to Newfoundland and walks into a bar and says, "I'm big, I'm Black, and I fuck White women." One of the patrons gets up and walks up to the man and says, "Don't blame you, I wouldn't fuck the blacks ones either!"

A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:
Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.
Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

This guy goes to the local gym to slim up and lose some weight. The various weight reduction execise plans offered by the gym seemed comprehensive.
Our friend chose the cheapest scheme available which offered to reduce his weight by 1 pound in just 1 hour. He was lead to a room where a pretty girl was standing bare naked. She held a board which said, "You catch me, you can screw me!".
The guy took up the challenge and started running after the girl. He came so near yet so far to catching the girl. But she kept on eluding him. One hour passed and he still couldn't catch the girl. The gym instructor measured the guy's weight now and amazingly...his weight was reduced exactly by 1 pound. "This is not bad at all," the guy thought to himself, "I am losing weight and having a good time." This time, the guy opted for a little more expensive scheme. According to this scheme, he would lose 2 pounds in just 1 hour. He was escorted to another room and lo and behold! Two young, pretty girls were standing there absolutely naked!! Each of them held a board which said, "You catch me, you can screw me!".
The guy got very excited and started running frantically after the girls. He would pursue one girl for a while, and when she would prove to too much for him, he would start pursuing the other. Somehow, one hour went in a jiffy and the guy could not even touch them, let alone catch them! They took the guy's weight again and there it was! He had, by then, lost 2 pounds more! By now, the guy's ego was badly hurt. He called the gym manager and asked him for the most expensive scheme they offered. The manager guaranteed that the guy would lose 10 pounds in 1 hour, but added that the scheme was extremely dangerous. The guy couldn't care any less for dangers. By sheer law of averages, he knew that the more expensive the scheme became, the more naked girls there would be to chase, and the more would be his chances of catching at least one of them and screwing her. He asked the manager to take him immediately to the room where the most expensive scheme is arranged, despite repeated warnings from the manager. So he was taken to a room which was slightly far off. They let him in and locked the door from outside. Waiting for him in the poorly lit narrow room was a large gorilla, that held a board which said, "I catch you, I will screw you!"

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments, he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a redhead woman comes in.She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black onebefore." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later, a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?" "Breast fed," answered the woman.
"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts. He squeezed and pulled each one for awhile and then he sucked hard on each nipple.
Suddenly he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"
"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."
"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."
"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. 'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.

"Scrambled," said the Chief.

This week's report: Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is.
Oxford University allocated a budget of $500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when 'in situ', so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization.
Cambridge University spent $750,000 on a research program that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.
Finally, the Open University spent $2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end!

Chris was a very avid golfer who had played at each and every course in the country. One day while teeing off, he collapsed from a heart attack and found himself standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St Peter said that though he wasn't a bad person, he also did his share of un-heavenly things, and so he was being given a choice of where to go. So Chris took the tour of all of Heaven's mansions and flowing wine, etc., etc. The he was taken down to Hell where the devil himself took some time out to show him around. While on tour, Chris saw the best course he'd ever seen.Small streams, beautiful sand traps, rolling greens. Unlimited access to the course, his own cart, finest golf clubs, and golden tees. Chris was astounded and informed St. Peter that he would making his eternal home Hell. Chris immediately sets off for the first tee, looks around for a ball to begin his first nine hole. When he couldn't find one he turned to Satan and asked where are the golfballs?
The devil replied, "*That's* the hell of it."

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Did you hear about the new "Morning After" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a *sperm* bank." "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts. The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. "Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says. "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies. "Just drink it or I'll shoot!" The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it." "But sir, I just drank one!" "Drink another one or I'll shoot you!" The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!"

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Condoms and Ad campaigns...Hand in hand!

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condoms: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

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Racist!! Beware now!

Why does it take women longer to climax?
- Who cares?

Why wasn't Jesus born in Italy?
- They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Why do the Swiss throw away their garbage in clear plastic bags?
- So that the Italians can go window shopping.

A Jew and an Irishman are having a lofty discussion about sex, the Irishman maintaining that it was work and the Jew maintaining that it's pleasure. Unable to come to an agreement, they agree to discuss it further another date.
At their next meetign, the Irishman announces that he had checked with his priest. "He says its work, purely for procreation, you see."
The Jew is far from satisfied and goes to talk the matter with his rabbi. He comes back to the Irishman and says, "My rabbi says it must be for pleasure because if it was work we'd have the black do it."

Did you ever hear about the Italian driver in the Indi 500 who had to make 7 pit stops.... to ask for directions?
In America, they say, "It's 10:00 - do you know where your children are?"
In England, they say, "It's 10:00 - do you know where your wife is?"
In France, they say, "It's 10:00 - do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland, they say, "It's 10:00 - do you know wnat time it is?"

What's the definition of a cad?
- An Italian who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until she's pregnant.

What's the definition of a maniac?
- An Italian in a whorehouse with a credit card.

Who won the race down the tunnel -the Black or the Pole?
- The Pole, because the black had to stop and write "motherfucker" on the wall.

What's the definition of worthless?
- A seven-foot-two-inch black with a small cock who can't play basketball.

What do you call a black?
- A nigger.

What do you call a black millionaire physicist?
- A nigger.

A crowd gathered around on a Harlem sidewalk where a white guy was jumping up and down on a man-hole cover energetically, shouting, "Twenty-eight! Twenty-eight!" Finally, one black guy was unable to restrain his curiosity. "What you doin' dat fo?", he asks.
"Listen, it really makes you feel great. You wouldn't believe how it relieves tension, cools you out...why don't you try it for yourself?"
So, somewhat suspiciously, the black guy started jumping up and down and on the manhole cover. Just as he was getting into rhythm, the white guy pulled the cover from underneath him and the black guy tumbled down the hole.
Cheerfully replacing the cover, the guy started jumping up and down again, shouting "Twenty-nine! Twenty-nine!"

Why did God create the orgasm?
- So blacks would know when to stop screwing.

How do you know when a firing squad is Polish?
- When they stand in a circle.

Hear about the lazy Pole?
- He married a pregnant woman.

Or the Pole who lost $50 on the football game?
- 25$ on the game and 25$ on the instant replay.

Two Poles walk into a post office and the first thing that catches their eye is a bunch of "Wanted" posters, where they see a mean-looking black guy, with a banner under it that says "Wanted for Rape."
The first Pole turns to his friend saying, "Man, they get all the good jobs."

Why are there no ice-cubes in Poland?
- They lost the recipe.

What do you call a Pole with 1,500 girlfriends?
- A shepherd.
Hear about the Pole who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
- He had it bronzed.

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AJIT: "Raabert, isko Great Wall of China le jaakar phansi mein laga do, Great 'wall hanging' ban jayegi"


AJIT: "Is ex-Miss India ko Middle East lekar maar daalo. Marne ke baad bhi will not rest in peace.


AJIT: "Shut up Raabert, main sub jhanta hoon. Magar I wanted to get it straight out of the horse's mouth. Ha ha haa. Yeh dekho 'dishooom' 'disshhooom' --- bechara Billoo mar gaya.

Raabert, Yeh hai the actual horse's 'mauth'."


Robert iss kuttay ko microprocessor may daal do! Bit by bit mur jaaya gaa saala!


Robert iss harami ko liquid oxygen may daal do! Liquid issay jeenay nahi day gaa, oxygen issay marnay nahi day gaa!


Robert, isey thodi shampane pila do, paheley shame sey, phir pane sey mar jayegaa...


Mona daarrling, tum Toni ke saath ghuumna band kar do, nahin to bahut MonaToni ho jayegee...


"Robert, Harshad Mehta the Bull ka stool test karaao"
"Kyon boss?"
"Pata to chale akhir ye Bullshit kya hota hai"


AJIT: Maikal, ise liquid helium mein daal ke 440 V pass kar do.
Phir yeh superconductor ban jaayega, aur zindagi bhar ticket kaat-ta reh jaayega.


MAIKAL: Baaas, yeh aadmi to kuch bol hi nahin raha hai. Kya karen?
AJIT: Ise revaalving chair mein daal do. Pata chal jaayega chakkar kya hai.

ROBERT: Boss , Sona kahan hai? (Where is the Gold?)
AJIT: Kahin par bhi so jao Robert!!


(Scene - Robert gets a sidey to Ajit.)
ROBERT: Boss, humne sidey ko pakad liya
AJIT: Ise maar ke pulees station ke saamne rakh do. Aur iske badan par ek sui chupa do.
ROBERT: Par sui kyon, baass!
AJIT: Bewakoof! Pulees yeh samjhegi ki sui-cide hua hai!


ROBERT: Boss, mere teen bacche hue. Unko kya naam doon?
AJIT: Ek ka naam rakhna Peter, doosre ka Maikal, aur teesre ka Cha Ling Chu.
ROBERT: Par Cha Ling Chu kyoon?
AJIT: Bewakoof, duniya ka har teesra bacchaa Chinese hota hai!


(Scene - Ajit thoroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.)
AJIT: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
ROBERT: Magar kyoon baas?
AJIT: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.


AJIT: Robert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai?
ROBERT: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakke maar raha hai.
AJIT: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.
ROBERT: Yes Boss.
AJIT: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare kabze mein hai .......


(Scene - Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.)
AJIT: Peter, time bomb le aao aur is kutte ko usse bandh do. Timer ko theek das baje set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez hamesha late karta hai. Iski maut bhi late honi chahiye. Timer ko panch minute late rakh do.

Arre, Robert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow, time bomb ko yahan peh mat rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking' area hai. Ha haa ha.


(Scene - Ajit ordering his chela to kill the enemy.)
AJIT: "Robert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur finish bhi ho jaayega.


ROBERT: Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
AJIT: Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padega!


(Scene - Ajit ordering his chela to kill the enemy.)
AJIT: "Robert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal do. Saale ko Society jeene nahin degi aur security marne nahin degi.

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# I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.
# Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
# If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, thenit's probably not worth knowing anyway.
# Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
# A good compromise leaves everybody mad.
# But I like my idea better.
# You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude.
# It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
# The world isn't fair, Calvin.' 'I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?'
# Heck, what's a little extortion among friends?
# As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
# I don't need to study! I don't need to learn!
# I can always get by on my good looks and charm!
# Homework, I command thee, BE DONE!
# What business is it of yours, jerk?!
# I've been good all day so far.
# Childhood is short and maturity is forever.
# What do they think I am, an engineer?
# People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
# Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.
# In my opinion, television validates existence.
# I don't DO math anymore. I decided I'm more of a visual person.
# I'm happy, but it's not like I'm ecstatic.
# I'd explain it, but there's a lot of math.
# OK, so I was wrong for once in my life! Shut up.
# I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
# Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?
# Ever notice how tense grownups get when they're recreating?
# From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.
# It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.
# Nothing I do is my fault.
# I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life...
# Procrastinating and rationalizing.
# Reality continues to ruin my life.
# I liked things better when I didn't understand them.
# Is it a right to remain ignorant?

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What girls say...
...and what they mean.

Can't we just be friends?...
...There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again

I just need some space...
...without you in it.

Can you help me with my homework?...
...If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress?...
...We haven't had a fight in a while.

No, pizza's fine...
...Cheap bastard

I just do not want a boyfriend now....
...I just do not want (you as) a boyfriend

I don't know; what do you want to do...
...I can't believe that you have nothing planned.

Come here...
...My puppy does this too.

I like you but...
...I don't like you.

You never listen...
...You never listen

We're moving too quickly...
...I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend.

I'll be there in a minute...
...I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh Yes! Right there...
...Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

There's no one else....
...I am doing your brother

Size doesn't count.....
...Unless I want an orgasm.

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There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little
hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."

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Word: (noun) ox·y·mo·ron
Pronunciation: "äk-si-'mOr-"än, -'mor-
Etymology: Late Greek oxymOron, from neuter of oxymOros pointedly foolish, from Greek oxys sharp,keen + moros foolish -Date: 1657
: a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness)
- ox·y·mo·ron·ic /-m&-'rä-nik, -mo-/ adjective
- ox·y·mo·ron·i·cal·ly /-ni-k(&-)lE/ adverb

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. Living dead
35. Small crowd
34. Business ethics
33. Soft rock
32. Butt head
31. Military Intelligence
30. Software documentation
29. New York culture
28. New classic
27. Rich Professor
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works

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You MIGHT be an Engineering Major...

If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

If you enjoy pain.

If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

If you've actually used every single function on your
graphing calculator.

If when you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major.

If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are
working on a computer.

If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

If you always do homework on Friday nights.

If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

If you think in "math."

If you've calculated that the World Series actually
diverges.

If you hesitate to look at something because you don't
want to break down its wave function.

If you have a pet named after a scientist.

If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

If the Humane society has you arrested because you
actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

If you can translate English into Binary.

If you can't remember what's behind the door in the
science building which says "Exit."

If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle
of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

If you are completely addicted to caffeine.

If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to
contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its
momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg
it could be anywhere in the universe.

If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from
lack of use.

If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order
to make the math easier.

If you understood more than five of these indicators.

If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on
your door.


If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as a engineering major. I hope this clears up any confusion.

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Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers cramed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants cramed into a restroom and the three engineers cramed into another nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
************************************************

A computer programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists, saying that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5; and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!" That gets the engineer's attention, so he agrees to play the game.

The programmer asks the first questions. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, and just hands the programmer $5.

Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references, and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands the engineer $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer, turns away, and returns to sleep.
************************************************

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.

All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and got some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of the building.

These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
************************************************

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place, fella."

So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell wondering what he had done to deserve this. Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on His telepathic connection and asks, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. We're having a wonderful time."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
************************************************

The Engineer Anthem

Godiva was a lady who through Coventry did ride
To show to all the villagers her lovely bare white hide;
The most observant villager, an Engineer of course,
Was the only one to notice that Godiva rode a horse.

Chorus:
We are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers
We can, we can, we can, we can demolish forty beers.
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with us, For we don't give a damn for any damn man/woman who don't give a damn for us.

My father was a miner in the northern Malamute,
My mother was a mistress of a house of ill repute,
The last time I saw the both, these words rang in my ears-
Get out of here you s.o.b. and join the Engineers.

The army and the navy boy swent out to have some fun
Down to the local tavern where the fiery liquors run;
But all they found were empties for the Engineers had come
And traded all their instruments for gallon kegs of rum.

Sir Francis Drake and all his ships set out for Calais Bay,
They heard the Spanish rum fleet was heading out that way.
But the Engineers had beat them by a night and half a day
And although as drunk as hooligans, you still could hear them say...

An artsie and an Engineer found a gallon can.
Said the artise, "Match me drink for drink and see if you're a man."
They took three drinks, the artsie fell, his face was turning green;
But the Engineer drank on and said, "It's only gasoline."

Venus is a statue made entirely of stone,
She didn't wear a fig leaf, she was naked as a bone.
On noticing her arms were gone, an Engineer discoursed,
"The darned thing's busted concrete and should've been reinforced!"

So now you've heard out story and you know we're Engineers.
We love to love our men/women and we love to drink our beers.
So come and have a sip with us, we'll drink to anyone from far and near
'Coz we're a helluva helluva helluva helluva helluva ENGINEER!!!

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In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"

The mathematician said: "Never."

The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."

The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

---

A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said:

1. Wet hair
2. Apply shampoo
3. Lather
4. Rinse
5. Repeat

---

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

---

Several professors were asked to solve the following problem:

"Prove that all odd integers are prime."

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime - counter-example - claim is false.

Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime ...

Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...

Computer: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime ... segmentation fault

---

The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach

* There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
* Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
* Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
* Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
* Always try to fix the hardware with software.
* Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
* Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
* Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
* If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
* Dilbert is a documentary.

---

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?

---

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses, you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have proven that I can put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.

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# You can study hard and still fail
# You can not study and pass
# Multiple choice does not mean easy
# There are no trains here
# Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts
# You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts student in any arts class
# Pi to six decimal places
# Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks
# Everyone is someone else's wierdo
# Front Row people are wierd
# Those who can, do, those who can't, teach
# A 95.75% can be an A
# An 80.1% can be an A+
# You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery
# You NEED an HP

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1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 specices of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total -leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, move at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized lego set ( 2 pounds ), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the 'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot the job with eight, or even nine, We need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload- not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized with 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa ( which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force.

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Comprehending Engineers -Take One
***********************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been
waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have
a word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied,"Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
*************************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and
stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
***********************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
***********************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
***********************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
***********************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
***********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

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The Geography of us..

Geography of a Woman Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35 she is like India & Japan.
Very hot wise and beautiful.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia.
"Everyone knows where is it but no one wants to go there."


This one for the guys
A guy's life can be described as a train on a railway track.

When they are 20
Every station they want to stop

When they are 30
hey can only stop at one station

When they are 40
They want to stop but they are not allowed to stop

When they are 50
They want to stop but they cannot stop

When they are 60
They can't even start...How to stop

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Whats the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes silence.

How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows - they never get the house.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap her.

What do you do if your washing machine breaks down?
Slap her too.

Why do women usually get married in white?
White is the universal colour for domestic appliances.

How long does it take a woman to clean the toilet?
Who cares, as long as dinner is on the table by 6.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can get closer to the sink.

What do a woman and a condom have in common?
They're both either in your wallet or on your dick.

What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes?
Nothing, she has already been told twice.

Pick the odd one out: a woman, a washing machine, a toaster and the garden hose?
The toaster, the rest drip when they're fucked.

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when.......................

I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile..

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.


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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure,

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

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Aditya Bawari sent me this clip. One of the funniest ones I've seen in a long time - Why you should not disturb your partner at work! A must see!(Right click and 'Save Target As') - 380kb

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